The end of the golden age of innocence.

These days I refer to my pre-Cancer life as the golden age of innocence.

 

During the golden age when I felt unwell or had pain I never assumed there was a treacherous reason for it. Headaches that hung around...must be hormonal or muscular. Feeling fatigued...get more sleep or up my iron intake. Stomach issues...must have been something I'd eaten that didn't agree.

 

 

These days, as much as I resent it, my mind automatically turns to cancer.

It's the ongoing aspect of the disease that makes you feel like you'll never be free of it again. The what ifs. Did one micro cell manage to escape and make its way to another part of my body? Is it dividing and multiplying in my brain, my bowel or my bones? Will it get me in the end?

 

 

 

During the weekend I really struggled with the fear of cancer returning.

 

 

Trying to mentally block that fear is, quite frankly, exhausting.

 

 

 

 

For the past few weeks my health has been pretty ordinary and I've tried to keep it to myself and dismiss it as nothing.

Headaches lasting for several days, the permanent and revoltingly intense smell of cigarette smoke in my nose despite the fact there is no one smoking in my proximity. Terrible fatigue, occasional nausea.

Don't google it...brain tumour pops up pretty quickly.

 

 

 

The frustration of feeling so vulnerable to attack from cancer is palpable. I don't want to be perpetually anticipating the worst outcome. For all I know it could be something as simple as a sinus infection. But these days, it's a case of treachery until proven otherwise. I'd far rather be focusing on my kids and my marriage and the seasons and the beauty of my world.

 

 

 

 

I'm seeing my oncologist next week. I will go into the meeting, share my fears, will likely go for scans and then wait with trepidation for the results.

And so the game rolls on...

 

 

 

 

And when the results are clear I will chide myself for being so paranoid and long for that golden age of innocence to descend again.

xx Em

 

 

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