I received a really beautiful email this past week from fellow blogger Krista from Blanks & Bliss. Here is an excerpt...
'Despite entering your journey on your blog with breast cancer somewhat late, I have been inspired by your strength, honesty and courage. Your story has struck a chord with me and whilst my presence may be lingering, you are never far from my thoughts.
This is why I would love your thoughts on how loved ones can support each other during a time like this. What did you find helpful, reassuring, pestering, annoying, imposing, through your journey? Did people come out of the woodwork with kind offerings? Or did people hide? What is your advice on how to make the journey a little less rough? What did people do, strangers, friends, family, that helped?
I've read about your wonderful mum and husband and the oodles of support you have received from people. But if you could give them advice, what would it be?'
Questions definitely worth a blog post so here goes...
Everyone has their own way of dealing with the news that they or their loved one has cancer and one thing I've learnt is to give people the time they need to work through it. I'm the type who prefers to share and get it out in the open rather than use up my energy trying to hide it from others but many of the other patients I got to know in hospital hadn't told anyone outside their immediate circle that they were sick.
To be honest...a lot of the time I didn't really know what it was that I needed or wanted because my situation kept changing, jumping from one treatment to the next. Looking back though, the things that helped the most were simple, practical things like friends cooking meals and dropping them off every now and again, little care packages with lovely body products or magazines, accompanying me to appointments, visits in hospital, babysitting, regular messages of encouragement left on our machine that didn't require a return phone call and beautiful handmade cards in the post.
I found that occasionally there was a very fine line between others anticipating my need for assistance and feeling like I was being watched like a hawk all the time. Bit of a tricky balance because I still craved my independence but was rendered completely helpless at times.
I noticed that everyone kept their own problems, big problems, far out of my reach. Many of my friends were struggling with heartbreaking issues of their own and I wish that I could have been there for them, even if all I could have done was listen from my hospital bed. In saying that though...if one of my beloved had cancer, my instinct would be to shield them from my problems. Such a tough one...its hard to know sometimes. For me, being able to shift my focus off myself and on to others was a good thing. It maintained some normality and kept me from drowning in self pity.
I have been met with such an abundance of genuine kindness.
My girlfriends have been the loving framework that has kept me upright, providing hugs, humour, babysitting, inspiration and good coffee.
My family has been the blanket of reassurance wrapped around all of us. Not a week has passed without a phone call or Skype session from my brothers and sisters, my parents, my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandmother. The hands on help from Mum, Katie, Suze and Margie when they've come to visit has been a huge blessing! Giving my boys something lovely and normal to focus on made a huge difference.
The kindness of strangers has been a beautiful thread running through my cancer experience. From the incredible turnout and donations made at the fundraiser from people I'd never met, to the Pharmacist who always asks how I am whenever I set foot in the chemist, to the beautiful comments from readers around the world. They all add up and each moment has boosted my morale and given me the strength to keep fighting. So yes...people certainly came out of the woodwork with kind offerings.
Did anyone hide? Sadly, a couple of friends noticeably slipped away after I was diagnosed...but I don't take it personally. I think it unfair to place expectations on how people deal with upsetting situations...especially if they are dealing with stressful issues in their own lives. My in-laws have been conspicuous by their absence but they were never the type to engage with our kids or offer to look after them before I became sick so there was no expectation that they'd step up after my diagnosis.
Overall though, we have been flooded with generous offers of help and we've been so grateful for the support we've received.
I guess my advice for those who want to support a loved one with cancer is to just be available...don't put expectations on how your loved one should be dealing with their journey and try and keep normality in the equation.
If all else fails...chocolate icecream, lots of chocolate icecream!
xxx Em
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