Pixie cuts, Primary School & Protein Balls

 

 

So...this is me...all pixie-fied.

 

I've decided to keep my hair short for a while, a decision mostly based on the need to be practical. Its just easier to not have to style it while I'm recovering from my next mastectomy. Now that it's been cropped again, I rather like it. It feels like me. Not the, 'hair growing in after chemo' me, but the, 'I'm confident enough to sport a pixie crop cause that's the way I like it' me. I may or may not have become a smidge lazy re: hair maintenance too. Perhaps one day I'll grow it back into a bob again and spend countless hours blow drying and straightening and colouring...or maybe I won't. Maybe this is the new long term me...emerging from my cancer cocoon with a greater appreciation for simple, fuss free style.

 

Today Harry started 'big school'. I can't tell you how incredibly proud we are of this kid. He had such a tough year last year. When I was diagnosed he didn't know how to verbalise his feelings which was so difficult for him because he was feeling A LOT as he watched me deteriorate during surgery and chemo. But with patience and an incredible Preschool Teacher who helped him express those feelings through drawings and words, he transformed back into a confident, happy little boy.

 

 

This morning when he woke up he gave me the biggest hug and said "I turn into a Kindy Kid today and I'm not even nervous". He dressed himself in his new uniform, tied his own shoelaces and helped prepare his lunch. Then we picked roses for his teachers, "because I love my teachers so much Mummy". I mean really, could he be any sweeter???

 

 

He strolled through the schoolyard with such self assurance and greeted his teacher with a big "Good Morning Mrs Atkinson" as he handed her the flowers. All kinds of awesome, he is ALL kinds of awesome!

 

 

And so was his well behaved brother who sat quietly with a puzzle while Harry checked out his new desk. After a couple of minutes it was clear that our big grown up boy was having no problem settling into his new class so we gave him a cuddle, Jack hurrahed him with a booming "Goodbye Hawwy" and we left without a tear shed from anyone. It was a lovely!

 

After we dropped Hubby at work the Jackman and I went into the city for some morning tea and a play in Glebe Park to mark the start of a new chapter for us. I am so excited that we get to spend five days a week together...just the two of us. Harry had 3 years of my undivided attention and I dearly wanted Jack to have some competition-free Mummy time too.

 

 

These boys are growing up so fast and I want to savour this time.

Speaking of savouring...(nice segway Em!)...I promised to share the recipe I used for the nut-free protein balls that I instagramed yesterday.

A protein packed lunchbox snack that is incredibly easy to make.

 

 

The recipe for these Amazeballs can be found here.

I substituted a couple of the ingredients with what I had in the pantry (high quality cocoa instead of raw cacao and a carob/oatmeal/linseed mix instead of sunflower seeds and it worked a treat. Be warned though, they won't last long so make a double batch!

 

Here's cheers for a fabulous first day of Kindy...may the rest of the school year be just as great!

 

xx Em

 

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Harryisms and the Jackmeister

Well, we can now crack open the champagne. Harry has offically been offered a placement at Queanbeyan Public for Kindy next year. Hurrah...such a lovely school, I think he'll do well there.

 

 

He's been coming out with some fabulous Harryisms lately, here's a taste:

Jack was throwing a tantrum in the lounge and Harry was sitting up at the table calmly eating his lunch. Harry shook his head in disapproval, took one look at me and said, "You've got to do something about that baby!".

We were discussing the role of guide dogs and how they need to be trained as puppies to do their very important job and how we could make a donation to help. Harry's response: "Well, we don't have any puppies but we could train our cats for them".

Sitting on the back deck playing a game of Around the World, Harry said, "Well, I've travelled the world Mum, I made my fortune, I lost my fortune and I made my fortune again".

 

Oh Harry...you are the sweetest little old man in a five year old's body.

 

Jack has been struggling with his asthma thanks to this ruddy flu that keeps hanging around but we've just managed to keep him out of hospital this time so that a big win. His latest quirky personality trait is to casually suggest to me the things that I should get for him. He does this by way of tapping his chin with his finger followed by the statement, "Hmmmm, how about...".

 

 

He is becoming so wonderfully capable and independent and we love listening to him talk...just can't get enough of his earnest attempts to say things correctly. He's inherited his brother's obsession with trains and I caught him reading Harry's 'Locomotives of the World' magazine on the back deck this morning.

 

 

This morning I pushed all the housework and admin jobs to the side and we spent the entire morning playing games like frisbee and hide & seek in the backyard. We sat on the deck with our morning tea and discovered dinosaurs, trains and mice in the clouds as they rolled past.

 

 

It was so nice to be able to relax and enjoy my boys.

I haven't spent much time just playing with them over the last couple of weeks. I've been too busy making things for Etsy, too ill with the flu and too preoccupied with a stressful and worrying situation that's had a devastating impact on my family. In the last couple of days I've had to learn to let go...its been a difficult and heartbreaking thing to do. I wish that I'd been able to switch off earlier instead of trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Sometimes you just have to let things take their course. And that is as much as I'm going to say about that because although it has affected me, its not my situation to share in this space.

 

On a brighter note....my crazy ass hair has gone really curly.

 

 

It has thickened up beautifully and is just long enough to style...when I say style, I mean toussle some shaping wax through it and hope for the best.

I still like wearing scarves occasionally and these days they are much more enjoyable to wear. Its no longer about trying to cover up a bald head, its purely a fashion statement. On a side note, scarves don't slide around when you've got hair. Gotta love that!

 

 

Well, time to get some bunting listed on Etsy. Hope you're having a beautiful day wherever you are. xx

 

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First Post Chemo Haircut

 

Momentous occasion this afternoon folks!

 

For the first time since the beginning of chemo, when the last wisps of my hair were shorn off, I stepped through the doors of my hair salon for a cut.

 

 

Its been six whole months since my last haircut.

Six months...

 

 

It was so very lovely to see Marina again. Love my hairdresser! We caught up on those missing six months as she tidied up my hairline, with Harry occasionally coming over to join in the conversation.

 

(Harry pulling a Kate Moss pose)

 

The amount of hair that came off was minuscule but the act was monumental, another step closer to normality.

 

Felt great to be able to walk out of the salon saying "See you in six weeks".

 

 

xx Em

 

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He's da bomb...

I attempted to take some snaps of my hair this morning, to show how quickly it is growing back...but I got photo bombed by the toddler.

Rattus Baggus Maximus at the moment. Our fair-haired wild child who is talking in perfect sentences and counting to ten with ease. He's showing us every day that he can keep up with the best of them. Nothing is too great a challenge for this little pocket rocket. Fiercely independent but incredibly polite...his standard response to any offer of help is "no sanks". Hubby and I seem to be in a constant state of 'wow' when it comes to our youngest. I still pinch myself that he's ours.

On the cancer front, I had a check up with my radiation oncologist this morning at the hospital. My radiation burns have healed beautifully and everything seems to be on track at the moment. No sign of damage showing up in my lungs, which I found out can happen at around the six week mark post treatment. Hurrah for recovery and good health.

As for my hair...it's officially long enough for me to wake up with 'bed hair'. Who would have thought I'd be excited about that! The colour and texture very much resembles mouse fur at the moment. Kind of a light ashy brown and very soft. I'm tempted to start playing around with the colour but can't decide if I want to get back on the colouring merry-go-round. My vanity hasn't been completely shot to smithereens yet so the likely outcome will be yes. I'm going to see my hairdresser next week for my first cut since chemo. Big moment...think I might get a little teary over my glass of bubbly when Marina tidies up the few strands around my ears. Little things mean a lot these days.

 

 

I did a Centergy class at gym last night. The last time I did one it was called Body Balance and I was heavily pregnant with Harry. It was SO nice to immerse myself in that beautiful blend of Pilates and Tai Chi again. I was anticipating that I would have to go very easy with my arm and chest but I was pleasantly surprised to find that I could push myself and keep up with the rest of the class. My aim is to improve my fitness to pre-diagnosis levels by Christmas. Five gym sessions a week should see me achieving my goal.

Well, must dash. I'm taking Hubby out on a hot date tonight for his birthday to see Gotye play live at the Transit Bar. He's teamed up with his original Melbourne band, The Basics, for an Aussie tour and its going to be a bloody AWESOME gig!

 

 

Can't wait!

xx Em

 

 

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Hello Goodbye

Ironic that as my hair starts to come back, my lashes and eyebrows begin to fall away in earnest.

 

They've valiantly struggled to hang on.

 

 

Makes me rather melancholy thinking about eyes that are no longer framed.

 

 

At least that hair up there is coming in thick & fast.

 

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You may call me...

Chicken Little...

or Fuzzy Bear...

 

Perhaps Fluff 'n' Stuff?

 

 

Take your pick Peeps...there's HAIR up there! Hurrah!!!

Too early to hit up my hairdresser for a trim?

xxx

 

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A sneak peek in the rearview

It has been pretty rare during this cancer journey when I've longed for the old me...and by that I mean my pre-cancer body.

I think that my attitude towards life and myself in general have improved since cancer came on the scene. My priorities have taken a shift, I'm kinder to myself and take a lot less for granted. I've adjusted to my situation and am making the best of it. But there are the odd days when I pine for my missing breast, for hair on my head and skin that isn't numb, painful or worn.

Today...I long to run my fingers through hair that is no longer there.

The picture above was taken just a few years ago when Harry was about ten months old. It reminds me of a time when I was completely and utterly comfortable with being me. I loved my body with its beautiful breastfeeding boobs. I was fit, healthy, happy and whole.

I can't deny that today I really miss that version of me.

My aim is to achieve fit, healthy, happy and whole with my 'new post cancer' body. And the only avenue that I can see getting me there is my attitude. I think I'll need to look at old photos like these with fondness but look at new photos of me with pride. My battle scars show how hard I've fought to hang on to life. I can only see that as a beautiful thing.

 

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Feeling Female

I went out to dinner with my husband tonight, first time in...oh gosh, I can't even recall...I think last September maybe? Talk about well overdue! Our wonderful neighbours came over to babysit, pushed us out the door and told us not to come back until we'd had a good time. We are so freaking lucky to have them living next door! And so we did have a good time, just the two of us talking about life, the universe and everything over a glass of white and a bloody fantastic pub meal at the local hotel.

It felt nice to put on a dress and a pair of heels. I can't confess to feeling glam or the least bit sexy but it did feel good to be out of pyjamas.

For the past four weeks I've felt like pieces of my femininity have been stripped away from me. Losing my breast was hard but it was having all my hair cut off that affected me far more than I thought it would. I know that seems utterly ridiculous because there are a gazillion completely gorgeous women out there sporting short hairstyles. Maybe it's because the choice to have my hair cropped wasn't really mine. Chemo is on the horizon and it is threatening my vanity big time. I don't love how I look. My hair used to be one of the features I'd always felt good about. Now, it's just a constant reminder of what is happening to me.

My husband on the other hand is taking everything in his stride. He told me tonight that he's never felt closer. And I not only believe him, I completely agree with him. How I feel about my appearance is something I will have to work on. He still loves me, in fact he's never loved me more than he does now and that makes me determined to get over my vanity and try to embrace this ever evolving version of me. I have to, because if I can't handle a pixie cut then going bald is going to be a real bitch!

I suppose its just part of the process. Some things are easier to adjust to than others.

 

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