The greatest mistake in the treatment of diseases is that there are physicians for the body and physicians for the soul, although the two cannot be separated. ~Plato
And so begins my mental health recovery.
I finished up my short course of antidepressants on Monday. They had an incredibly positive impact on both my emotional state and the reduction of my menopause symptoms. I expected to feel a bit lower after finishing them but was shocked just how intensely those awful emotions came crashing back down on me. The hot flushes ramped straight back up to unbearable and I found myself constantly exhausted, fragile and on the verge of tears. I muddled my way through the next couple of days until I was able to see my GP for another script. In some ways it frightens me that I've fallen into such a heap at the end of my cancer treatment, in others, I feel proud of myself for holding it together for as long as I have whilst under duress. I had to face my demons eventually...now is the right time.
I am so very grateful for the incredible friends in my life.
Early yesterday morning my friend Rach called offering to take Jack for the day. Her timing was impeccable...I was really struggling and the opportunity to have some time on my own before my GP appointment was something I happily took up. After dropping Jack off I went to Lanyon Homestead for a bit of solace. And I found solace sitting in the sunshine with coffee and eggs, listening to the quiet. It was good to breathe deeply and feel the sun on the back of my neck. It was good to listen to the birdsong and the hum of a distant tractor. It was good to savour simple food and good coffee.
It was good to be still.
Lanyon has become a haven for me since being diagnosed. A beautiful, peaceful space tucked in a valley, looking out to the mountains. I've found clarity in the quiet and comfort watching the landscape respond to the seasons. Seeing blossoms on the apple trees reminds me that life indeed goes on. There is more to my life than cancer.
Standing in the orchard, blossoms overhead and at my feet...I felt for a moment, the toxic anxiety of cancer slip away as the drone of bees filled my ears. An hour at Lanyon was enough to get me through the morning. By afternoon I had started another course of antidepressants and by evening I felt like I could cope again.
Today my friend Nicole offered to look after Jack while I went to my first counselling session at the hospital. I had planned to take Jack with me but was very grateful to do the appointment solo. I'm still learning to ask others for help. It doesn't come naturally but these sessions require my full attention so asking for babysitting favours is less luxury and more necessity. My girlfriends are generous and supportive and I really value their help. Jack had a fabulous time playing with Nic's girls at home while I dashed up the road.
It was a great first session. I felt comfortable opening up to my counsellor. There are so many aspects to cover. Cancer has a ripple affect on everything. It has touched every part of my life and I want to be able to acknowledge its affect and learn to let go of the emotional residue that built up during treatment. It feels like a safe forum to deal with a couple of awful situations that happened during treatment that I haven't had the liberty of sharing on here. Things that I just didn't have the capacity to deal with during chemo and beyond. It will probably be messy and painful but I honestly believe that I can work through it and find strategies to deal with it.
Since being diagnosed I have actively sought out the beautiful in my world. Even when I've felt completely overwhelmed with cancer and the damage it's done to my body, my saving grace has been noticing the beautiful around me. I've been looking for the beautiful a lot lately. Actively seeking it out and capturing it to share with others. There is an abundance of beautiful around Canberra right now. Spring has burst into colour and perfume and sound.
I don't know how long it will take for my mental health to recover. I just know that my emotional resilience and wellbeing is just as vitally important as my physical recovery and wellbeing. Cancer will not leave me less. It has shaped me but I will not let it define me.
"Spring drew on...and a greenness grew over those brown beds, which, freshening daily, suggested the thought that Hope traversed them at night, and left each morning brighter traces of her steps."
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
xx Em
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You are an incredible woman!
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