Totally gorgeous winter's day today.
Nothing for it but to get down to the lake and do some exploring in the sunshine.
Get some air time in...
Discover a little romance...
Then over the bridge to the Bus Depot Markets for a margherita pizza and some coffee & churros.
Happy Days
Jack's one day a week at childcare has finished up now that chemo is over.
We're grateful that the centre squeezed us in as an emergency placement and were very welcoming and supportive. Secretly though, I'm a little bit glad that it's come to an end. The Jackman enjoyed playing with the other kids and he was engaged with interesting activities instead of entertaining himself while Mummy was tuckered out on the couch, but he picked up a new headcold or virus every time he went and in turn wiped the rest of us out. In the end it kind of defeated the purpose of him going. He was becoming very clingy and reluctant to go in the last few weeks too which made dropping him off even harder.
Now that I've turned the corner and chemo is well and truly behind me, I'm looking forward to 'Jack & Mummy' days while Harry is at Preschool. He's growing up so quickly and I want to treasure this small window of one-on-one time with him because before I know it my baby will be going to Preschool...eeek!
To say thank you to the staff at childcare I whipped up a batch of raspberry & white chocolate muffins.
Totally loving the new baking range at coles including these adorable rainbow pearls. Cute!!!
Jack helped me make a thank you card and we dropped the basket of treats off to the girls yesterday. He gave them some very snuggly cuddles but I think he was pretty happy to come home with me.
Loving this age...such a gosh darn cutie pie!!!
xxx
(Please be warned this post has images of a graphic nature so look away now if the sight of a reconstructed breast isn't your cup of tea!)
I had my Radiotherapy Planning appointment at the hospital yesterday.
As is the nature of this manic journey, I bounce back from one treatment with just enough time to take a breath and dive right into the next. The appointment was essentially a chance for the technicians & nurses to plot out a roadmap of my chest and take measurements.
By this stage of the journey I am long past feeling self conscious or awkward about stripping off and letting complete strangers scrutinise, scribble on or have a good feel of my boobs. There is nothing sexual or sensual about it...it feels and just is...clinical...and cold...always cold. Cold hands, cold rooms, cold equipment...brrrr bloody brrrr!
Typical of any scan, it started with stepping into a tiny cubicle, stripping to the waist and gowning up. Then into a large room with a CT scanner. I spent the best part of 40 mins lying still on the machine with my arms resting above my head on metal stirrups while they measured and sketched, stuck wires all over my chest and scanned me. My Radiation Oncologist popped in to say hi and assess the roadmap.
When they got the ok, the technicians then sealed the deal with three tattoos. I was super brave and didn't sook a bit when the needles went in. Ok, technically my tatts aren't elaborate designs. Ok, design is probably not the right word...more like an abstract impression really. Ok, they're dots the size of a freckle, in fact some of my freckles are twice the size but THEY'RE TATTOOS DUDES, I'm a badass now! The technicians took some happy snaps of their artwork and then set me free to go home.
So...radiation kicks off on the 18th of July. Here's hoping that its smooth sailing.
These beautiful flowers and bubbles were delivered this afternoon.
They are gorgeous, but the friend who sent them is ten times more gorgeous with the most generous loving heart!
Thank you Sares, I can't wait for you, Trebs and the girls to get back to Australia. We have been so incredibly lucky to have had your friendship. You were there for us when Shannon and I first met on that tiny island 13 years ago, helped me navigate life as an army spouse, been a fab sounding board and source of advice when we became parents and have showered us with support, love and encouragement every step of this cancer journey.
Love you all to the moon and back!!!
xxx
Today I want to wave the white flag.
Today I want to check into a hotel, climb under the covers and not come out until I feel like I can cope again...be it a day, a week, a month...whatever.
I want to scream and rant and rage at the Universe at the injustice of it all. I want to jump up and down on the head of the Universe shouting, "It's NOT fair, it's NOT fair!" until the Universe gets the picture!
I don't want to be the brave little trooper who soldiers on no matter how crappy she's feeling cause 'good ol Em, she's fine, she'll manage, that's what she does'.
I don't want to be inspirational or strong or gracious about my situation.
I don't want to forgive the unforgivable, I don't want to compromise anymore.
No more pushing past all reasonable limits, no more rolling with the punches, no more chin up!
...
Slight problem with the above scenario.
I don't have the luxury of throwing a tantrum or handing in my notice.
Because as much as I want to be comatose and forget my troubles, I can't forget these two.
I don't want to forget these two.
I don't want to forget Jack's raucous belly laugh when I tickled him this morning.
I don't want to forget the look of awe on Harry's face as he watched this Gotye film clip and the conversation that followed about imagination and animation.
They are funny, sweet, intelligent little creatures...I don't want to miss out on them.
I'm not sleeping well and still in post chemo so resilience is low...get that, totally get that. I'll turn the corner in a few days and taking care of the boys won't be so overwhelming. But until then...
Don't suppose I could split myself in two?
True to form my last round of chemo is giving me a good thrashing.
I feel like I've the frame of a one hundred year old woman.
This hurts, this really hurts. I am tired, bone tired...bone sore and bone tired.
This week's chemo passed without huge fanfare despite being a bit of a milestone in my journey. The last few days have been lost to sleeping tablets, painkillers & anti-emetics.
I did have a little tipple with my sister the night before chemo. Katie came to stay for the week and we gave a last little hurrah to all those awful chemo cocktails with an ultra classy 'Girls Night In'...
...curled up on the couch in the 'good room' sipping on Filthy Fizz while watching Kath & Kimdarella. Nothing like a bit of bogan 'umour!
It was noice, it was different, it was un-ewe-sual. More char-doh-nay? Greache!!!
Just hanging out with this gorgeous sister of mine made me so happy.
I am so glad she's back in Australia.
She was a superstar aunty to the boys and did a stellar job taking care of them while I was in oncology or wiped out in bed. It put my mind at ease, especially when the Jackman was wheezing like an old accordion with asthma. She gives awesome healing cuddles too!
The Chemo itself was a dull affair, nausea kicked in much earlier than usual and my picc line was removed successfully on day two, but all else has been par for the course. Looking forward to rounding the corner on day ten and feeling good again.
I didn't get to say goodbye to my nursing team, they were already occupied with other patients by the time I had to leave oncology so I will return when I'm feeling brighter with a basket of home baked Thank You's.
Goodbye Chemo. I can't say that it's been a pleasure.
It's been a life changing, soul revealing and ball busting experience which I hope has strengthened my character and will to live.
But may we never, ever cross paths again!
xxx
An impromptu drive west of Canberra towards the Brindabella ranges and Tidbinbilla Nature Reserve.
A meandering stroll through The Sanctuary with its wetlands, wildlife and beautiful sculptural works.
And a cheeky play on the flying fox and super slide.
Then home again for a lazy afternoon nap as the cold front rolls in.
Perfect!
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