Back in the saddle again

So, one chemo down...five to go.

The first one may have wiped the floor with me but I've managed to stand back up again. That's a good thing right! I knew that this journey would be fraught with challenges and there are times like today that feel like those challenges are popping up like rabbits and I'm madly trying to knock each one on the head.

The nausea and bone pain have eased immensely since the weekend but a few new nasties have appeared with the dawn of a new week.

On Sunday I noticed a rash on my 'new' breast. With a low white cell count a rash is very much a concern so I went to my local ER that night. Thankfully they ruled out neutropenia but put me on a broad spectrum anti-biotic and advised calling my surgeon. Two days of anti-biotics later and a very red, angry rash had spread to 3/4 of my breast. My surgeon is away for two weeks and his clinic didn't get back to me so I decided to see what my Radiation Oncologist said. I had my first appointment with her today. She was quite concerned, took swabs and called Infectious Diseases for advice. Looks like I've contracted a staph infection that is resistant to certain antibiotics. Likely that its from my hospital room mate who had a staph infection in her port. Completely not her fault but why we were allowed to share a room is beyond me. Go figure! So, a new antibiotic for the next four days and if there's no improvement I'll be having an ultrasound to determine if there is an infection deeper than the skin. Either way...its not good.

Second little nasty - reflux. Holy burning oesophagus Batman!!! A joyful leftover from chemo which has kept me from sleep for several nights in a row. Now managed with medication and Mylanta. Chalky cocktail anyone?

The third...going bald. It was a nasty that I was expecting and now that its here I'm having an odd job of dealing with it. Yesterday my hair started coming away in tiny clumps. I had noticed that my hair had stopped growing and its been very brittle for the last week. On Monday I had the most insane headache which stayed with me for 24hrs and left my scalp quite tender. Today its been coming out in handfuls. I haven't had a chance to stock up on headscarves so I haven't attempted to pull it all out yet. Tomorrow I am going to buy a couple of scarves and on Saturday I will see how much hair I lose. Kind of hoping it all goes in one hit. I had an 'oh my god is this really happening to me' moment this afternoon. Its so easy to be brave about an event before it happens. In between hyperventilating at the thought of no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes...a voice of reason kicked in and told me to harden the fuck up. Its just hair, it WILL grow back and god dammit I am going to rock the headscarf look so Dry The Eyes Princess! There are other more important issues at play. Still, I'm sure I'll have a good cry on the weekend. I'll get Hubby to photograph me as I'm plucking away at my scalp like I'm de-feathering a chicken. My vanity will be seriously re-sized by Sunday.

Today was my first day back on my own two feet, taking care of my boys by myself. My wonderful Mum flew home this morning and I can't tell you how grateful we are for her support. We honestly wouldn't have survived the last ten days without her. I wish to heaven that my family lived in the same town...anyhoo, they don't and I have to jump back into the saddle pronto. It was an exhausting day but I'm learning to pace myself. A lot of the time I'm teetering on the edge of exhaustion, my body feels fragile now, but a few well timed rests on the couch managed to get me through today. I'm just going to have to be sensible and pay attention to what my body is telling me. We have managed to snavel one day a week of emergency childcare for Jack for the next few months. Luck would have it that its a Friday so Harry will be at Preschool and Jack in childcare, leaving me home by myself to either rest or go to appointments. The centre is going to try and give us a Thursday for Jack too which would be great, particularly on the weeks that I have chemo which is a Wednesday...giving me two days to recover without the worry of how to care for my boys.

And to finish off this rather jumbled post...my Radiation Oncology consult. I honestly didn't think that I was going to have to have radiation. My surgeon didn't seem to think so and my Medical Oncologist wasn't sure. But as ever...my pathology put me right on the fence and my Radiation Oncologist seems to think that five weeks of radiation therapy will reduce the risk of the cancer returning from 20% down to 5%. Thats quite a significant reduction. I felt a bit upset after my appointment. Like I'd been plonked on a runaway train and didn't have the option of jumping off when it got too much. Emotionally its a bit like having a gun put to your head...you could refuse the treatment but if that cancer comes back its likely to come back in an untreatable and terminal form...no second chances. I don't want to go through radiation...chemo has been so horrific already, isn't that enough? And yet...I could never forgive myself if I didn't follow my doctor's advice and as a result that stray little cancer cell returns in five years time as bone cancer or blood cancer and I'm finished. My poor judgement could rob my boys of their mother and my husband of his wife. I can't do that. So...a month after chemo finishes I'll be having radiation therapy for 15 minutes a day, five days a week for five weeks.

Ok...it's late, time to sleep. xx

 

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