Mind over Matter...Matter over Mind.

The greatest mistake in the treatment of diseases is that there are physicians for the body and physicians for the soul, although the two cannot be separated. ~Plato

 

And so begins my mental health recovery.

I finished up my short course of antidepressants on Monday. They had an incredibly positive impact on both my emotional state and the reduction of my menopause symptoms. I expected to feel a bit lower after finishing them but was shocked just how intensely those awful emotions came crashing back down on me. The hot flushes ramped straight back up to unbearable and I found myself constantly exhausted, fragile and on the verge of tears. I muddled my way through the next couple of days until I was able to see my GP for another script. In some ways it frightens me that I've fallen into such a heap at the end of my cancer treatment, in others, I feel proud of myself for holding it together for as long as I have whilst under duress. I had to face my demons eventually...now is the right time.

 

 

 

 

I am so very grateful for the incredible friends in my life.

Early yesterday morning my friend Rach called offering to take Jack for the day. Her timing was impeccable...I was really struggling and the opportunity to have some time on my own before my GP appointment was something I happily took up. After dropping Jack off I went to Lanyon Homestead for a bit of solace. And I found solace sitting in the sunshine with coffee and eggs, listening to the quiet. It was good to breathe deeply and feel the sun on the back of my neck. It was good to listen to the birdsong and the hum of a distant tractor. It was good to savour simple food and good coffee.

It was good to be still.

 

 

 

Lanyon has become a haven for me since being diagnosed. A beautiful, peaceful space tucked in a valley, looking out to the mountains. I've found clarity in the quiet and comfort watching the landscape respond to the seasons. Seeing blossoms on the apple trees reminds me that life indeed goes on. There is more to my life than cancer.

 

 

 

 

Standing in the orchard, blossoms overhead and at my feet...I felt for a moment, the toxic anxiety of cancer slip away as the drone of bees filled my ears. An hour at Lanyon was enough to get me through the morning. By afternoon I had started another course of antidepressants and by evening I felt like I could cope again.

 

 

 

 

Today my friend Nicole offered to look after Jack while I went to my first counselling session at the hospital. I had planned to take Jack with me but was very grateful to do the appointment solo. I'm still learning to ask others for help. It doesn't come naturally but these sessions require my full attention so asking for babysitting favours is less luxury and more necessity. My girlfriends are generous and supportive and I really value their help. Jack had a fabulous time playing with Nic's girls at home while I dashed up the road.

 

It was a great first session. I felt comfortable opening up to my counsellor. There are so many aspects to cover. Cancer has a ripple affect on everything. It has touched every part of my life and I want to be able to acknowledge its affect and learn to let go of the emotional residue that built up during treatment. It feels like a safe forum to deal with a couple of awful situations that happened during treatment that I haven't had the liberty of sharing on here. Things that I just didn't have the capacity to deal with during chemo and beyond. It will probably be messy and painful but I honestly believe that I can work through it and find strategies to deal with it.

 

 

 

 

Since being diagnosed I have actively sought out the beautiful in my world. Even when I've felt completely overwhelmed with cancer and the damage it's done to my body, my saving grace has been noticing the beautiful around me. I've been looking for the beautiful a lot lately. Actively seeking it out and capturing it to share with others. There is an abundance of beautiful around Canberra right now. Spring has burst into colour and perfume and sound.

 

I don't know how long it will take for my mental health to recover. I just know that my emotional resilience and wellbeing is just as vitally important as my physical recovery and wellbeing. Cancer will not leave me less. It has shaped me but I will not let it define me.

 

 

 

"Spring drew on...and a greenness grew over those brown beds, which, freshening daily, suggested the thought that Hope traversed them at night, and left each morning brighter traces of her steps."

― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

 

xx Em

 

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Spring in pictures.

We've been making the most of some stunning Spring days by getting out & about around Canberra. Drives through the countryside to Tidbinbilla, a morning in Commonwealth Park for Floriade, a play at Cotter Dam and a quiet afternoon at the Arboretum.

 

 

 

Hope you've been getting some sunshine wherever you may be.

 

xx Em

 

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Master Six

Last night we celebrated Harry's 6th Birthday.

 

 

As I cuddled him at bedtime I told him how lovely it felt when he was a tiny baby tucked up in my tummy. I told him how I used to play 'Prod' with him, how he would give me a tremendous kick, I'd poke his foot back and he'd kick me again. I told him how funny it was when he got the hiccups, making my gigantic pregnant belly jump. I can't believe that was six years ago.

 

Six years ago he made me a Mummy.

 

 

My sweet grown up boy.

 

Still very much a train buff, although he has declared that he's too old for Thomas & Friends these days. He only likes 'real' trains. For his party he took a few of his friends on a vintage steam train trip to Bungendore.

He did the invitations himself which I have to say, were pretty spectacular.

 

 

The train trip was a big hit with all of the kids but most of all the birthday boy. He was beside himself with excitement.

 

 

I hope that we are creating a fantastic collage of childhood memories for our gorgeous boy. Something that he can look back on with great fondness.

 

Harry, I love your kind heart, your incredible curiosity, I love how you've become such a voracious reader and an avid artist.

Six is going to be spectacular!

 

xx Mummy

 

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The Good, The Bad and the Very Very Ugly

(Warning...this post has a photo of my reconstructed breasts, freak out and run away or just go with it.)

Tuesday was reminiscent of Melbourne's weather, several seasons in a day.

 

Our household has been hit with another flu...5th one of the season. After a sleepless night playing Florence Nightingale to two little boys with a croupy bark, I woke up feeling very ordinary indeed. Blah!

I stumbled through the morning with a bored threenager who was well and truly over hearing the "Mummy has a sore booby and needs to take it easy" line whenever he demanded I run/jump/wrestle/anything. I felt guilty that I spent so much time on the couch while he entertained himself.

 

 

That was the Bad.

 

The Good...

...my check up with my surgeon at Calvary.

 

I took both boys with me, it was pouring rain and I was dreading the logistics of finding a carpark and somehow getting a sleeping Jack into the pram without both of us getting sodden in the process. But the parking fairy was kind, I managed to get a celebrity car park right near the entrance and the rain eased up for me just enough to load Jack into the pram. Huzzah! That never happens, totally scored right there folks, no cruising the carpark for half an hour desperately hoping for someone to leave. No turning up to the clinic looking like drowned rats.

 

My surgeon is happy with how my newest reconstruction is settling in and gave the excellent news that the pathology was entirely clear. No rogue cancer cells hidden in the tissue from my healthy breast.

Bring out the Moet...let's get those champagne flutes clinking!

 

We discussed re-doing my left side which has suffered more radiation damage since my review in February. The internal scarring has caused the skin to contract onto the implant making it look small and misshapen. Both implants are the same size but my left breast looks half the size of the right.

 

 

So...it turns out that I haven't finished yet. I'll see my surgeon again next February for another review then sometime next year I'll be going back to have the left implant and scar tissue replaced with a new implant which will be "plumped up" with some fat liposuctioned from my tummy. The plumped up business is to give the left side a little bit of cushioning. At the moment it is rock hard whereas the right side is somewhat softer and feels slightly normal. It will be a similar surgery to what I've just had and involve the same kind of recovery timeframe.

 

I'm glad that I have the opportunity to "repair" the left side. Initially when I realised last week that my breasts weren't going to even up I told myself I should just appreciate being alive and accept my reconstructed boobs as they were. Be grateful Em, don't let vanity draw this out any longer. Don't be greedy and want too much.

Then, after a bit of thought, I realised that I have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about getting my damaged breast fixed up. I think I've put in enough hard yards over the last 20 months to deserve an even set if its being offered to me. It's hard enough to feel good about your body after it's been brutally thrashed by cancer treatment. If this makes me feel more comfortable in my 'new' skin then I'm willing to give it a go.

 

And now, The Very, Very Ugly...

 

 

...Bad Mummy accidently dropped the boys iPad onto the ground as I transferred my handbag to the car after the appointment. Poor Harry howled in despair crying, "That's it, that's the end, it's all over!". Jack meanwhile was growling "NAUGHTY Mummy" over and over again. That will teach me to forget the cover. A rather expensive lesson and one the boys won't let me forget any time soon.

 

Sheesh, what a day!

 

xx Em

 

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