Anger

 

It's an emotion that doesn't sit comfortably with me. It's an emotion that I'm working through at the moment. It's an emotion that cancer treatment stirs up. Anger about the unjust nature of cancer. Anger about the horrific illness & pain that treatment causes. Anger about the awful loss. Anger about the permanent uncertainty of cancer returning.

 

 

I don't want to let it fester within me. It feels toxic, like some kind of residue from chemo. I don't want this anger to manifest and eat away at me like acid.

I feel guilty that this anger has me losing my patience and yelling at my kids far too much. I feel frustrated that this anger makes me want to close myself off from the world. This anger is exhausting, malevolently bubbling away under the surface, sapping my energy.

 

 

 

I cannot reconcile it with the innate gratitude of being alive.

I have to find a positive outlet to get rid of this anger.

The obvious choice is exercise. I need to push myself to get walking and working out every day. I need those endorphins, I need to improve my health to improve my mood. My homework from counselling this fortnight is to find an appropriate time & place to have a bloody good scream and cry. A little tricky given the distinct lack of time alone but I'll try.

 

 

 

Now that I've acknowledged the anger, it's time to let it go. I refuse to let cancer rob me of joy. I want to thrive, not just survive.

 

xx Em

 

 

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