Sunday was a very rough day. I woke up feeling incredibly fragile and completely overwhelmed with the enormity of having cancer.
That seems strange doesn't it...feeling that way after the worst of the treatment is over.
I grieved the loss of my right breast and the future loss of the left. Not just for myself, but for my husband. He loved my boobs and always had his hands on them but can't bring himself to touch my reconstructed breast. It doesn't feel real or nice to either of us, just plastic, hard and unrelenting to the touch. Perhaps in time we'll adjust to my reconstructed self as the implants settle into my body...I hope so, I miss his hands on that part of me.
I felt so angry and resentful that the Tamoxifen has caused such rapid weight gain. At 72kgs, I've never been so heavy or uncomfortable with my weight before and despite a healthy diet and exercise I'm getting bigger. I feel trapped between not taking Tamoxifen (therefore increasing the risk of cancer returning), and taking it for the next ten years with the constant battle of keeping obesity at bay. A self pitying voice kept whining in my head that I'd been through so much already without this insult to injury. Losing so much of my feminity already not enough for you Universe...sure...smack down what's left why don't you!!!
I didn't want to go out in public because I loathed the way I looked with such short hair. It felt like it was going to take a tortuously long time for my hair to grow to the length I'm comfortable with. I just wanted to look and feel like myself again, instead of looking like a cancer patient...or a truckie.
I was in such low spirits that the insidious fear of cancer showing up elsewhere in my body made me feel panicky and anxious. Most of the time I forget, or choose not to think, about the fact that cancer could come back in more treacherous forms, and next time I might not be so lucky. On Sunday the thought of leaving my boys behind was suffocating.
And on top of all that I was exhausted. So physically and emotionally spent that I went to bed just after lunch and didn't wake up until 5pm.
I really struggled with all those monstrous feelings on Sunday because I KNOW just how lucky I am. I am grateful that we've caught the cancer early and I have a pretty positive prognosis. I am grateful for a good medical team, the support and encouragement of family & friends and the immense kindness of strangers. I feel so lucky...I have a husband who loves me and two beautiful little boys to nurture. I am recovering well and have so much to live for. All the annoyances and challenges that lie ahead can be dealt with, if I face it with a kickass attitude. Don't let the bastards get me down right!
I'm fine now. Monday dawned bright, the weight of those emotions lifted and its been a wonderful week. My beautiful boys have made my heart sing.
I have loved watching them play together with their Daddy's old matchbox cars and a makeshift ramp on the back deck.
Loved listening to their infectious giggles as they bounced like lunatics on the trampoline and raced bikes up and down the path. And I loved watching them sitting on the back step together after dinner, eating their frozen yoghurt pops for dessert.
I guess there are bound to be days when it all feels too much. I'm just glad that that those days are few and far between.
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